Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Don't Forget to Bring a Towel

They say that hospitals are the most germ infested places in the world. You are more likely to get sick at the hospital than you are at home. I disagree. I say the most disgusting germ infested places in the world are gyms. Gyms harbor some of the most harmful bacteria known to man, carried into them by some of the most vile people in the world. It doesn't matter what kind of gym either; Karate dojos, MMA gyms, Crossfit centers and "Athletic Clubs." Well played Athletic Club on choosing the fancy name. You cant hide from us, we know what you really are. Let me walk you through a typical night in hell, or as I like to call it: 24hour Fitness.

Upon entering the gym my nose is greeted by the pungent aroma of sweat, alcohol and week old taco meat. That's not a racist remark by the way. Next time you're cooking up some delicious tacos on a Tuesday night, take a nice hearty whiff of the meat and tell me I'm wrong.
   I like to do a little warm-up run before I hit the weights, so naturally I make my way upstairs to the cardio section of the gym. It is of course a weeknight so all of the disgruntled white-collar-nine-to-five'ers are taking up all of the treadmills. I keep looking around and finally I spot Bill, from accounting stumbling off of a treadmill. Bill[we'll call him that since I don't know his real name] weighs about five thousand pounds and from what it looks like showers once a week. His treadmill is soaked in sweat. Sweat is dripping from the buttons and the touch screen looks as if it was just rubbed with Crisco. Does Bill wipe the machine down before leaving it so the next person to use it (me) doesn't have to shower in his disgusting filth? Of course not! No, Bill walks away still angry about falling behind on his tps reports that he doesn't give wiping the machine a second thought. After unloading the whole bottle of disinfectant onto the machine I am able to get my run in. Suddenly something unmentionable and horrid worms its way into my nostrils making its way to my taste buds. Gross I can taste it. I look to my left and I am running next to none other than; taco meat guy. Yes, this guy refuses to wear deodorant or brush his teeth. He too showers only once a week. I usually do a two-mile warmup but today I can only stomach about one mile, due to the fact that I have been holding my breath for ten minutes. I can't take it anymore and pound on the stop button bringing the treadmill to a screeching halt. I muster up enough courage and oxygen to go back and wipe my machine down(because I am a good person)
  Finally it is time to hit the weights. I spot an open bench press area and lay my towel down on the bench. Oh yeah, I bring a towel to the gym because I am a respectful and clean human being. I also am not a big fan of lice. Have you ever looked down at a bench that someone was using and seen that familiar sweat spot where their head was just resting? Well take a closer look and you'll more than likely see tiny little white things. Now it could be dandruff, which in that case:gross. It could also be lice. In any case I'm not taking my chances, and I opt for the wipe-down-towel-down. Everything is going fine at this point and I am grinding through my sets without problem. Until little Johnny-never-learned-to-wipe-properly-after-pooping decides to spot his buddy on the bench behind mine. I can smell the corn in his poop, that's how absolutely disgusting he is. How does his buddy not smell him when he's dangling his balls inches above his face? I've got one more set but I cant take it anymore and have to move on. Throughout the course of the night I run into Homeless Pete who likes to sit at the leg press and stare into the distance doing one or two presses every four hours. I meet Blue Jean Sam by the free weights who is unaware that not only are blue jeans inappropriate gym attire but they soak up the sweet smell of ball sweat like nothing else. I also meet a few of Snow White's  missing dwarfs; Sneezy, Drippy, and Coughy. None of them cover their mouths and none of them have napkins or tissues. The whole gym at this point feels like a dirty bathhouse, but smells more like an outhouse, and no one in this gym has a freaking TOWEL!
  I can't take anymore. I have to leave. I stumble past Frank who wears sweatpants to the gym and "forgets" to wear underwear, and burst through the exit doors of the gym. I feel like an escaped slave bursting up from the tunnels of the underground railroad. I feel violated in so many ways and I probably need to schedule an appointment with my doctor for a full work-up.
  Here is a tip. If you stink before going to the gym, please put on deodorant and wipe yourself down with something antibacterial. Don't wear jeans to the gym, cover your mouth when you sneeze, wipe down your machines after you use them, stop screaming, and please, please bring a towel.

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