Monday, December 30, 2013

Grocery Shopping

       Okay, so you’ve come home looking for something to eat and it just so happens that you have nothing in your refrigerator or cupboards. You have not even a slice of bread or a carton of eggs to munch on. So you get in your car and drive into town to find a grocery store to buy food. As you draw nearer to town you come across a fantastic store. This store has everything you could ever want. This store has an excellent deli, and bakery and only gets its ingredients from local and organic farms and butcher shops. This store also has the best and widest selection of alcohol you have ever seen. This store is perfect. But, this store challenges you. It makes you feel small and every single time you have visited this store you have somehow always picked the stupid shopping cart. You know, the cart with the floppy wheel and the handles that have been broken off. It’s not you, it’s just that every time you get close to this perfect store you suddenly don’t know where you are and haven’t the slightest clue as to what you are doing. Not to mention this store is a few miles out of the way. However, whenever you are in town you always visit this store and even though you may not buy anything it’s always completely worth it to step foot inside its amazing doors. So you drive buy it maybe because you are scared that you can’t afford anything inside this store. Its prices seem high and you aren’t positive that you make enough money to buy anything from it.

         So you go to the local smaller grocery store. This store had bright and flashy lights and signs for amazing sales. You step foot into it and at first glance it seems amazing. It’s got everything on your list, and they are all on sale! So you start shopping, and boy does it feel great. Milk, eggs, butter this place has it all. But then you realize… the sale prices aren’t sale prices. They are actually more expensive than that of the other store. They have just been marked down from an extremely high price so that they look like sale prices. You’re not actually saving money at all, and to top it off the stores coupons are all expired! The store has been playing you since day one! Angrily you stomp out of the market and hop back in your car and drive from store to store searching desperately for a grocer that isn’t going to price gouge you or worse: charge for bags.  You try the wholesale store which has most of what you need but in insane quantities that quite honestly, you aren’t ready for yet. You head into mom and pop stores looking for the things you need, and although they may have a lot of one thing that you need they simply don’t have anything else and you can’t survive the month with an overabundance of one item on your list. You have even tried the convenience stores but they are just too small and have only enough to last you a week or so at max that you can’t justify shopping there long term. So you go home, defeated and slump down into you couch and order Chinese takeout. But, you can’t live on take out for too long.

        You need long term sustenance, and the only place that has everything you need is the market that is miles out of town. You get in your car and make the drive up. When you get there you find that the entrances are blocked by carts and signs and you can’t get in. Maybe the perfect store saw you try all those other markets and won’t let you in its doors because you have the smell of gas station convenience store on you, or the stench of GMO produce on your clothes. You try and you try but the Grocer just won’t let you in. You try to remind this grocer of all the things you have bought for them and how you even helped them replace some of their inventory when they were running low! Maybe it’s because you used to shop at their sister store instead of them a long time ago. But this was before you knew of this store. This store is amazing. It’s got everything you want and although it doesn’t price gouge you it doesn’t let you get away with using expired coupons.  There are only two things you can do in this situation: you can keep trying to convince this store that you have the money to shop there and no other store has what this store has and if you were to be allowed to shop here you would no longer have any need nor want to get your groceries at any other store. Or, you can walk away and drive to the next town three hundred miles away and try to find another store like this one. Even though you know that it is just about impossible.
   
        You have never seen a store like this one. This store is big, but not too big, it’s got up-to-date features and has everything you could ever want. This store keeps you in check with its fair prices and ample selection. You love this store and were stupid to try any other store. So what do you do? What do you do? You want to shop here. You need to shop here.



I need you. 

Friday, December 27, 2013

This is NOT a Love Letter

     I’m not perfect and this is not a love letter. I’m not perfect I know. I don’t have the biggest muscles and I don’t have the nicest car. I don’t have the most money or even the most confidence. I am completely and simply human. I experience real emotions and sometimes they even get the best of me. I can’t help that I am not perfect. I don’t always make the best decisions and I am random and spontaneous, and a bit reckless at times. I tend to follow my heart and believe in living life with the utmost of passion. No, I am not perfect and I can’t promise that I will ever be, and for that I apologize. However, I can promise you that I will never stop loving you. It’s because I don’t have the biggest muscles that shopping for clothes for me won’t be a pain. I don’t have the most money so you won’t have to worry about it getting to my head. Even though I’m not rich, I am very good with my hands and I could build you a house, with a backyard for the stray dogs decide that this is their home now, a wine cellar and of course a hot-tub.  No, I don’t always make the best decisions, but that doesn’t mean that they are bad decisions! Furthermore, it just means that there will never be a dull moment! I’m random and spontaneous, so you’re sure to be surprised with gifts and presents often. Now, you may not always like or want them, and I may not remember where I got some of them but it’s the thought that counts. Right? I am not perfect and I swear this is not a love letter. This is my passion for life and love getting the best of me. This is me thinking about you. This is the fire and spark that I feel when I think of your silly smile, and just when I start to feel good about myself I think about you… Then suddenly I am human again; which is a good thing because this would be awkward if I wasn’t. Could you just imagine… I apologize, I got sidetracked again. I know it appears as if I’m everywhere, all over the place, and scattered, but when I am with you I am exactly where I need to be. I am exactly where I want to be. I hope maybe you feel that way too. Maybe you feel like I do, and maybe it’s true for you too. We aren’t perfect in our own worlds, but that’s okay because we don’t need to be perfect out there in the world. We are perfect together in ours. I hope this all makes sense to you. I’m sorry if it doesn’t, I was just trying to write you the perfect love letter…

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Surviving the Airport

             Ahh to be at the airport during the holidays. Filled with the hustle and bustle of weary and anxious holiday travelers there is never a shortage of interesting things to see.  If you're catching an earlier flight you'll most likely witness people still dressed in pajamas. Yes, pajamas. Airplanes are nothing but an extension of our beds at home these days and what better outfit to wear on a long early morning flight than what you went to sleep in? There are business men and women running about the airport already late for meetings five hours away. They scuffle about in their two thousand dollar suits pressed and custom fitted, Bluetooth devices in their ears and multiple cell phones clipped to their waists resembling a superhero’s  utility belt.  They take up all of the many hundreds of charging ports for your portable devices located around the terminal, charging their entire office with them. This leaves you to forgo browsing the interwebs with your phone in order to save precious battery power. You pop your headphones in your ears and play the same playlist of songs on your phone because you've been too lazy and or busy to update your music during the rush of the holiday season. Let’s face it; between buying gifts for your huge extended family and the office, and trying to make it to the gym as often as you can to shed off that winter weight you've had no time for yourself.
                Mid-afternoon flights don’t get any better than early morning ones.They are even worse.The airport quickly becomes bursting with families and couples. Kids run amock through the terminal covering everything they touch in sticky-who-knows-what, and tween couples are sitting awkwardly on the floor making out. You’re trying to enjoy your thirty dollar turkey sandwich that you bought at an airport bookstore, but it grows more and more difficult when the five year old in front of you is turned around in his seat staring you down like a bull at a bullfight. The stale cold bread and old cheese is hard enough to scarf down without the added pressure of pleasing this kid. Finally they announce that they will begin boarding over the PA system. You stand up thinking that you’ll be among the first to board because you've managed to score boarding zone two on your ticket. However, you fail to realize that they have to board all of the Priority Members first. The Gold Star passengers, the First Class Flyers, the people in wheelchairs, the people with kids, the kids traveling alone, members of the Military (bless them for what they do) and the business class people. You look down at your watch and notice it’s already been forty-five minutes and they haven’t even gotten through the Premier Mileage Plus Extravaganza passengers yet, or the passengers wearing khaki pants! You plop down into your uncomfortable leather chair and take a sip of your seven dollar bottle of water as you eagerly wait to be called.

                If you’re like me, you’ll choose a late flight. Late flights are my preferred flights. I show up at the airport with no traffic problems. Say good bye to my ride and head straight to the check-in. There is little to no line and I am all checked in and through the security line in about ten minutes. From there I head straight to my favorite places in the airport; the bar. I love airport bars. Yes, the drinks are expensive but nothing calms the nerves of travel like a smooth bourbon on the rocks, or a nice lager. Some airports even have iPads at the bar so you can order your drink, pay and tip the bartender in one easy step. You don’t have to wait to get their attention, or flag them down like an airport ground controller. I get my drink, plug in my headphones and jam out to my new playlist that I had time to create peacefully relaxing in the big empty terminal. The airline calls out the boarding groups and being as how there are only forty of us it goes pretty fast. I reach my empty row of seats, stretch out sideways, cover myself with my blanket and prepare for a nice relaxing flight. That, ladies and gentleman is how to properly survive airports. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Why I Comedy




    When I was a kid I was very small. I was just a mere fraction of this behemoth of a man that you may have come to know. As almost every man under the height of 5 foot 5 knows, being small comes with a price. That price is usually paid throughout your years in the form of ultimate wedgies, swirlys, stolen lunches and like clockwork getting pummeled by the local bully every Friday at lunchtime. Now, I have not personally experienced this, and I can safely say that I was a very small very skinny kid growing up and I was not bullied. At all. I do not know the experience of having my underwear driven up into my butt-cheeks, nor am I familiar with the sensation of toilet water bustling about my head as I am hung upside down over a toilet bowl. No ladies and gentleman I was not bullied because I had a secret weapon. A very powerful weapon at my disposal that I found when used properly and at the right time would render any bully defenseless. What did I have in my back pocket all those years of being small that made these bullies stop in their tracks? I had comedy.
         I made people laugh, and I was good at it. There was only one time in my life that I remember coming close to being bullied. I was in the sixth grade in the locker room getting changed for physical education class. I remember there was this huge thirty-year old sixth grader Paul, whom most of the school was afraid of. He had close ties to a particular Mexican gang and was known for his violent and destructive behavior. On this day he decided that he would try to pick on the new kid (me) at the school. Halfway through getting my shirt on, Paul walks up behind me and says in his loud boisterous voice, “Hey man! That’s my locker. You’re using my locker.”              
 “Oh yeah?” I say, turning around. “Well, it’s all yours man, oh and I left your mom’s panties in there because she forgot them at my house. I figure you could give them back to her for me.” I moved to the side so he could see the white cotton floral patterned pair of women’s underwear hanging in the locker. Don’t ask me why I had a pair of women’s panties on me at the time, that’s a different story. I just stood there before him silently waiting for the pummeling that was sure to come as everyone burst into laughter around us. But, there was no pummeling. He stared at me in shock for a few seconds and then what he said next surprised even his own goons! “You know what man? You’re alright.” And with a huge pat on the back I became part of his gang. In hindsight maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to join a gang in the sixth grade, but it sure beat the hell out of getting bullied.
          Comedy has always been my way out. It has been there for me in times of sadness and despair, and times of happiness and joy. Comedy has always been my way to connect with people from all walks of life. I am blessed to be able to make a semi-living from my jokes. They say that mathematics is the language of the universe; I disagree. I think that comedy is the language of the universe. You may not be able to prove that black holes exist or string theory is viable but how awesome would it be if you made an alien laugh? If I landed on a planet in a distant galaxy I wouldn’t want to be greeted by a bunch of numbers and flashy lights. No, I want to see a man smash a watermelon with a huge wooden mallet, or hear about the elusive Deerbra. I want to laugh before I eventually destroy your planet and rob it of its resources. Why do you think aliens never abduct scientists, or mathematicians? They always seem to go for the dumbest, most red-neck, completely oblivious people…

Friday, October 18, 2013

Writer's Blocked: Episode 4



And just like that a perfect afternoon was ruined. Mike wormed his way into the booth right next to Alice. He put his arm around her and gave her a huge and very unnecessary squeeze. She looked annoyed and tried to shrug him off. “Didn’t you already eat lunch today Mike?” Craig said squirming in the booth trying to make more room. “I had a few bagels earlier yes.” Mike said a little embarrassed. “You had 6! You had 6 bagels right before we left!” Craig shouted, Mike was starting to pout, “That is absolutely NOT true-I only had 2.”
“We all saw you Mike. You were covered in cream cheese, and singing Lady Gaga with your mouth full of asiago crumbs!”
“Okay guys, If Mike wants to have another lunch let’s just let him, as long as he pays for everyone else too.” I said hoping to diffuse the tension between Craig and Mike, and also get a little something out of it. “You got it! Thanks Christian!” Mike said gleefully. He then proceeded to stuff a handful of chips into his mouth.  I tried not to gag. “So this is great news right?” said Joe. He was referring to our show getting picked up for the season. We had all been on edge since the premier because we weren’t sure if the Network’s idea to bring Phil Armstrong back to television was the right choice. Phil had been a legend in television almost 30 years ago. He was the golden boy of comedy, getting his start on the very famous very funny television show News Soup. News Soup was one of the longest running sitcoms to date, and after 15 very successful seasons it finally ended in 1994. “Hell yeah, I never thought that we would make it past the pilot. Especially considering how little work we actually do.”
“Whoa Vince, back it up. I happen to work really hard. I’m pretty much the backbone of this operation. “Craig retorted. “ What?” I have to say something. “No you aren’t! Craig, every time we need you we can’t find you!”
“That’s a lie! That’s because I happen to have very important things to do.”
“Everyone knows it's because you’re sleeping under your desk Craig.”
“I have a very temperamental cat! I don’t get a lot of sleep at night!” Craig cries.
“What? What does- how does that even make sense?”
Mike has signaled our waiter for another round of drinks. Alice decides to chime in. “ Vince is always reading his little comic books at his cubicle.”
“They aren’t comics they are graphic novels.” Vince corrects her. The shots come to the table and we each eagerly grab one and quickly slam it back. “I’m pretty sure they are comics.” Says Alice as she reaches for more chips. “Nerd!” yells Mike. He looks around the room confused as if no one at the table had an idea who yelled that.  Everyone stops eating. We all look at Mike. He looks back at us like a sad cow next in line to be slaughtered. Before the onslaught of insults can begin, Vince checks his watch and shouts “Crap! We gotta get back to the office!” Mike lets out a deep sigh of relief. He is spared for now. One by one we stumble out of the booth and make our way out of the restaurant. “See ya tomorrow guys!” Yells Jake, as we are leaving. We seriously have to find a new place to go…

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Don't Forget to Bring a Towel

They say that hospitals are the most germ infested places in the world. You are more likely to get sick at the hospital than you are at home. I disagree. I say the most disgusting germ infested places in the world are gyms. Gyms harbor some of the most harmful bacteria known to man, carried into them by some of the most vile people in the world. It doesn't matter what kind of gym either; Karate dojos, MMA gyms, Crossfit centers and "Athletic Clubs." Well played Athletic Club on choosing the fancy name. You cant hide from us, we know what you really are. Let me walk you through a typical night in hell, or as I like to call it: 24hour Fitness.

Upon entering the gym my nose is greeted by the pungent aroma of sweat, alcohol and week old taco meat. That's not a racist remark by the way. Next time you're cooking up some delicious tacos on a Tuesday night, take a nice hearty whiff of the meat and tell me I'm wrong.
   I like to do a little warm-up run before I hit the weights, so naturally I make my way upstairs to the cardio section of the gym. It is of course a weeknight so all of the disgruntled white-collar-nine-to-five'ers are taking up all of the treadmills. I keep looking around and finally I spot Bill, from accounting stumbling off of a treadmill. Bill[we'll call him that since I don't know his real name] weighs about five thousand pounds and from what it looks like showers once a week. His treadmill is soaked in sweat. Sweat is dripping from the buttons and the touch screen looks as if it was just rubbed with Crisco. Does Bill wipe the machine down before leaving it so the next person to use it (me) doesn't have to shower in his disgusting filth? Of course not! No, Bill walks away still angry about falling behind on his tps reports that he doesn't give wiping the machine a second thought. After unloading the whole bottle of disinfectant onto the machine I am able to get my run in. Suddenly something unmentionable and horrid worms its way into my nostrils making its way to my taste buds. Gross I can taste it. I look to my left and I am running next to none other than; taco meat guy. Yes, this guy refuses to wear deodorant or brush his teeth. He too showers only once a week. I usually do a two-mile warmup but today I can only stomach about one mile, due to the fact that I have been holding my breath for ten minutes. I can't take it anymore and pound on the stop button bringing the treadmill to a screeching halt. I muster up enough courage and oxygen to go back and wipe my machine down(because I am a good person)
  Finally it is time to hit the weights. I spot an open bench press area and lay my towel down on the bench. Oh yeah, I bring a towel to the gym because I am a respectful and clean human being. I also am not a big fan of lice. Have you ever looked down at a bench that someone was using and seen that familiar sweat spot where their head was just resting? Well take a closer look and you'll more than likely see tiny little white things. Now it could be dandruff, which in that case:gross. It could also be lice. In any case I'm not taking my chances, and I opt for the wipe-down-towel-down. Everything is going fine at this point and I am grinding through my sets without problem. Until little Johnny-never-learned-to-wipe-properly-after-pooping decides to spot his buddy on the bench behind mine. I can smell the corn in his poop, that's how absolutely disgusting he is. How does his buddy not smell him when he's dangling his balls inches above his face? I've got one more set but I cant take it anymore and have to move on. Throughout the course of the night I run into Homeless Pete who likes to sit at the leg press and stare into the distance doing one or two presses every four hours. I meet Blue Jean Sam by the free weights who is unaware that not only are blue jeans inappropriate gym attire but they soak up the sweet smell of ball sweat like nothing else. I also meet a few of Snow White's  missing dwarfs; Sneezy, Drippy, and Coughy. None of them cover their mouths and none of them have napkins or tissues. The whole gym at this point feels like a dirty bathhouse, but smells more like an outhouse, and no one in this gym has a freaking TOWEL!
  I can't take anymore. I have to leave. I stumble past Frank who wears sweatpants to the gym and "forgets" to wear underwear, and burst through the exit doors of the gym. I feel like an escaped slave bursting up from the tunnels of the underground railroad. I feel violated in so many ways and I probably need to schedule an appointment with my doctor for a full work-up.
  Here is a tip. If you stink before going to the gym, please put on deodorant and wipe yourself down with something antibacterial. Don't wear jeans to the gym, cover your mouth when you sneeze, wipe down your machines after you use them, stop screaming, and please, please bring a towel.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

I Am Not Smooth

Despite what you may think I am not as smooth as it would appear. Sure I can get on a stage and make a fool of myself telling jokes or acting like a seventeenth century Shakespearean baseball player [its an improv thing] but when it comes to talking to women, I am horrible. I can go from James Bond charming a room of writers and producers, and have them eating out of the palm of my hand, to Gold Bond, medicated cream. Yes, I am aware that reference makes no sense in the analogy, however it does draw an accurate depiction of my skills at conversing with the opposite sex. It's weird and gross leaves you sticky and Shaq endorses it...see what I mean? Lets start from the beginning, and you'll soon see what I am talking about.

THE OPENING: 
 Most people can agree that the best opening for meeting someone is " Hi my name is-" followed by a handshake or fist bump depending on what part of Los Angeles you are in. That part is fine. Where I have trouble is what follows.

THE INTERVIEW: 
" So what do you do?" is one of the most common questions in the dating world. This is where I lose people. When most people hear Comedian, I become a trained monkey, specifically there for the sole purpose of entertaining them and their friends. " Go ahead funny guy, tell me a joke!"
"Make me laugh!"
" Lets hear your set funny guy!"
" Stand on your head! Juggle! Dance monkey DANCE!" which is quickly followed by " Oh my God, you know who's funny? Kevin Hart." That's when its all over. Now for the rest of the night I'm telling  jokes about my checking and savings account and talking about the kids I don't have, and going on about my father's huge penis. The second option I could go with is actor. Their follow up: " So what restaurant do you work at?" Its a losing battle. So obviously my answer is: " What do I do? Oh, I'm a doctor." Win.

THE CONVERSATION: 
I once held a full on conversation with a brick for 3 days. I'm good here.

THE CLOSING: 
By now hopefully I have managed to make her laugh and smile and the night is turning out to be a great success. The bar is winding down and it is time to close. Keep in mind I'm not talking about sex. A close could be a future first date, a phone number, an e-mail, a glass slipper; anything really. When it comes to closing I am like Reggie Bush; figure skating. Awkward, slow, and wearing uncomfortably revealing tights. I once had a really good two hour long conversation with a woman at a bar and when it was done she said " Aren't you going to ask me my name?" I froze. She got up shook my hand, gave me a wink and walked away. I ordered another gin-and-tonic, went into the bathroom and wept. I never know what to say. Do I ask for an email? Do people still email? Do I ask for her number and then ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation in my van? Do I ask for her Facebook or Instagram account? What are the rules? My closing skills definitely need refinement. I am about as good at closing as

Thursday, October 10, 2013

I Totes Prom.

What has happened to the English language today? It seems like today's generation of tweens and adults [who don't want to grow up] are using short handed text message speech as part of their daily vernacular. I have heard my own sweet little sister (10 years of age) spewing out abbreviations like "totes" (totally) and "prom prom" (promise) casually during conversation. She informed me that this is the way kids speak these days and I needed to get with it or I was totes donzo. I have no idea what's going on there.

I swear if I hear another person verbally say "LOL" rather than actually laughing out loud I am going to lose it. Have we as American people become too lazy to put together proper words? Are our mouths too busy sucking down energy drinks, and cheeseburgers that they simply cannot physically form the words? Will we see classes like " Texting 101" and "Beginning Emojis" taught in our colleges and schools?

I worry for the future of our youth. With social media on the rise there is no telling how communication and speech will evolve. Ttfn, and totes reply wth ur ideas. Tnks! : )

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Writer's Blocked: Episode 3

“ I-I dunno if I’m comfortable doing that man.” Joe said fidgeting in his chair. Sweat stains were starting to form under his arms. “ Come on, you’ll be fine buddy! Its not that far of a drop and Craig will be out there with his truck so you’ll land safely in the bed. Noooothing to worry about.”
“Okay. But I better get some sort of achievement medal for this or something.”
“Again Joe, not a video-game.”
Grumbling to himself Joe starts to take off his shirt. “ We aren’t really going through with this plan are we?“  Alice says looking at me semi-worried “ Of course not. I just wanted to see if the idiot would actually do it!“ I whisper back. “You’re mean.“ She says. Alice jabs me in the side with her elbow and flashes me a disapproving but slightly amused look. “ Okay guys, lets go.” I say, and the group starts to make its way towards the elevator. “Hey Mike? We’re all going to The Blue Waffle! Meet us there man!” Yelled Vince. Vince was another writer and a close buddy of mine. He was a pop-culture genius. Vince knew everything about the world of comics, movies, music, the food network, the latest Beanie Babies( I didn’t even know they still made them.) and more; pretty much everything. He was also an amazing artist. We have all been trying to get him on the animation team but he never felt like his work was good enough. His cubicle was full of sketch books and all of the latest comic books. If anyone had missed going to Comic-Con that year all they needed to do was go over to Vince’s cubicle and they were caught up. “ Okay! Sweet! See you guys in a hot-flash!” Mike screamed from his desk. Everyone shook their heads as we piled into the elevator. We knew we weren’t going to The Blue Waffle like Vince had told Mike. We were going to the place where we always go on exceptionally stressful days like this: Chevys. Vince looks at me, raises his hand and offers a fist-bump as to say “ I got you man, no way was I going to let Mike Chandler cock-block you again.”  I return the fist bump and we both go back to staring straight ahead. The elevator jolts to a halt, and the doors glide open as we arrive on the ground floor. “AAAAHHHHHHHHHH” A loud scream comes from outside followed by a very loud CRASH! “ Crap!”  I think. “ I totally forgot to tell Joe the plan was just a joke! He’ll be fine; I hope.”
“What was that?” says Alice, worried again. “ Sounded like a bird hitting the window.” Vince replies quickly. “ Since when do birds scream?” Alice replies. “ Must be global warming, let’s go!” I chime in. Chevys is only a few blocks away which is convenient because no one has to drive back to work after slamming back tequila shots at happy hour.
    “ Hey guys! Your usual booth?” says the host as soon as we open the doors. “ You already know Jake!” Craig replies, obviously eager to get started with the drinks. As we file in to our booth near the back of the restaurant a shout comes from the entrance. “Thanks jerks!” Its Joe and he is covered in sweat and garbage. “What happened to you man?” Vince says trying to hold in his laughter. “Ew, you stink Joe.” Alice chimes in pinching her nose. “ Laugh it up guys, laugh it up. One day I’ll get all of you!” Joe proclaims tucking his plaid button up shirt back into his brown slacks. He plops down next to Craig and shouts to the waiter for a margarita and guacamole. At last the drinks and chips arrive and we all dive in. With a mouth full of guacamole and chips Joe practically yells, “ So Christian, when are you and Alice getting married?”
“What the hell Joe?” I glare at him and lasers shoot out from my eyes. His body glows bright red and his flesh starts to burn and in less than five seconds he is reduced to nothing but hot smelly ash. We all go back to eating and carrying on like nothing had even happened.   Ugh, I wish that actually happened.  Before I could reply to his ridiculous question another shout comes from the front of the restaurant. “ Bartender! A round of shots for that sexy table in the back! And a double for the extra sexy lady!” It was Mike. Everyone slumped down a little in their seats and froze. Hopefully, if Jurassic Park was accurate, if we didn’t move Mike couldn’t see us. No such luck, Mike made his way over to us with a huge sideways smile on his face.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Writer's Blocked: Episode 2


    If there was one thing everyone could agree on around the office it was this: STAY AWAY FROM MIKE CHANDLER! Not only was Mike Chandler the office slob, he was also the office drunk, office clown, and currently holds the record for the most sexual harassment complaints filed against him in the greater Los Angeles area. There have been rumors spreading that he is going after the national title this year. (I hope he gets it.) There were only two reasons why anyone tolerated him. First, he was the Vice President of the company’s nephew and second, he was rich. I’m talking loaded. If you partied with Mike Chandler you never paid for a thing the entire night. In fact, you could probably just leave your wallet at home. He didn’t really have a real position in the company. He just sort of sat around and blasted weird European pop music from his cubicle. The only reason he had a job is because his uncle was doing Mike’s dad a favor by getting him out of the house, and slapping him with the tiniest shred of responsibility to make Mike feel like an actual adult. Once, Mike spent an entire day “researching”(watching and re-enacting scenes from  The Grey over and over) wolves on the internet for a “top secret” project sent down from the execs. Typical.
    “HAPPY HOUR ANYONE?” screamed Mike who was also leaning way too far back in his chair. No one said anything. We all stared at Mike secretly hoping he would fall backwards and a pit would open up in the floor and out would pop Hades to take him back to the underworld leaving his wallet behind, of course. No such luck. He was still there, leaning back in his chair with that stupid side-ways grin plastered across his face. I felt a poke in my side. “ So what’s the plan?” whispered a voice in my ear. “Huh? What do you mean?” I replied.
“I mean, how are we going to lose Mike?” the voice was Alice. Alice was gorgeous. She had long brown hair and the most striking blue eyes anyone had ever seen.
“ I don’t know! Why do I always have to come up with the plans?” I was starting to get annoyed, but the feeling wouldn’t last long. Alice stared at me all Zooey Deschanel with her baby blues, and I crumbled. “ Yeah! You were in the military right? Didn’t you spec-ops guys do stuff like this all the time? Sneak behind enemy lines, guerilla warfare, Call of Duty stuff?” Shouted another writer, Joe.
“ This isn’t the Army!”
“I know you have a plan man!”
“ Ugh, fine, Joe you gotta stop saying spec-ops. This isn’t a video-game.” The group huddled around me. I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. “ Okay, this is what we’re going to do…”

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Writer's Blocked: Episode 1.

    “So that’s when the bird poops on his shoulder causing him to careen off the side of the road into the hot dog stand!” That was my great idea. I cant believe I just said that. As soon as the words left my mouth I thought “ Oh man, what an idiot. Why would you even say something like that Christian?” The blank stares from the other writers around the table seemed to confirm my thoughts. “ That’s great Christian, but I think we all like Bill’s idea about the giant inflatable crocodile.” My boss said with a confused look on his face. "Stupid Bill. Who wants to see another inflatable crocodile scene?” I thought to myself. “Let’s get out of the ninety’s Bill-with-your-stupid-sweater-vest-over-your-Fred-Perry-polo-shirt, and your jorts“. We all sat around the table trying to brainstorm some more ideas for next weeks show. The network had just switched our show from Monday nights to Thursday nights and today was Saturday, which meant no one wanted to be here.
    “Can we go home now? I think we have enough and my nose is runny and my knees are locking up.” Exclaimed a small voice from near the back of the room.
“ Shut-up Karl! No one cares right now.” Everyone seemed to shout simultaneously. Karl was Jewish, but not really. His last name just had a lot of z’s, e’s and i’s in it, and nobody quite knew how to pronounce it. I slouched back in my chair and the room continued on like this for another 2 hours. We all shouted out our ideas, laughed at the hilarious ones, cocked our heads to the side and let out an audible hmmmmm at the not so good ones, and of course everyone shut down Karl. Finally it was lunch time. With loud groans and grunts and a few quiet farts from Karl, we all rose up out of our chairs. “ What is everyone doing for lunch?” I asked. “Hopefully paying for me.” I said inside my head. Suddenly from down the hall startling everyone came:
“HAPPY HOUR!”
Oh sh**, was the look that appeared on everyone’s face. The group all stared at each other and thought at the exact same time: “ Oh no, not Mike. Anyone but Mike.”

Monday, July 22, 2013

Today is the Day

    It’s a tough thing to do; to explore the world. Its an even tougher thing to explore yourself. Now before you go getting all “ junior-high” on me, and start throwing out inappropriate jokes,  hear me out. It takes a ton of strength to look inside yourself and really explore who you are and what you are truly capable of.
    Sometimes it takes an extraordinary circumstance to occur in order for people to summon up the courage to discover themselves; to unleash their potential. The circumstance could be good or bad. It could be anything from base jumping from the Burj Khalifa, navigating a treacherous river in a tiny kayak, a horrible break-up or the death of a loved one. Some people need that. Some people don’t. I encourage you to be the latter.
    I encourage you, no I challenge you to constantly look inside yourself. Every day should be an opportunity to improve in any way. Every day should be the start of something grand. You should wake up every morning and be excited because today is going to the day you discover something new about yourself. Today is going to be the day that you do something, say something, even eat something that you never thought that you could or would (unless you have a food allergy. Don’t eat that).
    It shouldn’t take an horrible circumstance to get you move. It should not take the end of the world in order for you to start discovering it. It took an almost near end to mine before I decided to find out what I was made of and what I was capable of accomplishing. As hard and impossible a task as it may seem, I implore you to try. 
    If you need to be pushed, here I am pushing you. Thank you for reading and remember: Today is the day.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Supertramping Across The United States!

I am excited to tell you all that I will be making a rather epic journey from LA to Chicago to Boston and back very soon! The best part of the trip is that I will be writing and filming it all so you can follow along and be part of the adventure. I will be driving the whole way and making some pretty neat stops that should make for some awesome adventures. So stay tuned for many exciting things to come! Thank you for reading and following me this far, it only gets better from here.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

I Don't Know You But I love You.

I do not yet know you but I think I love you. I do not yet know your hopes and dreams, nor do I know everything that you aspire to be. Yet, I can see it in your eyes from across this cafe. You, with those gorgeous hazel eyes are a thinker, a doer, a bright soul and a beacon of hope in a sometimes dark and unforgiving world. You've got the world at your hands and endless possibility at your perfect fingertips. There is nothing that you cannot do and heaven help anyone who tells you otherwise. I cant help but to stare. I am frozen in time. Stuck in-between my reality and all of the wonderful possibilities of us. You are more powerful than you know; I want to show you so bad.
I picture us unstoppable. A hurricane of unimaginable love spinning almost out of control changing and reshaping everything we touch. Inspiring and creating great things. We would leave our everlasting marks on this world for sure. I want you to take my hand more than anything.
I still cant move, and I swear my heart hasn't beat in what seems like a lifetime. I'm not strong enough to approach you and have hardly the strength to brush your soft brown hair from your face and kiss you.
The way you sip your coffee entrances me. Everything about you leaves me in awe. I watch you crinkle your nose, close your eyes and sneeze.
"Bless you" was all I could manage to say.
You look at me smile and say thank you and at that moment I knew. That was all it took.
I am utterly and completely in love with you and from this point on cannot possibly imagine a life without you.
I don't know you but I love you, and I want you to take my hand more than anything.
But I am not nearly strong enough...







Based on an entirely fake story.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

LOVE Like Crazy

Do something crazy for love. cast out all doubts and fears and do something you'd never thought you would do. Do it for the sake of love. Do it because it scares you. It scares the crap out of you. It wouldn't be love if it didn't.
I will admit that I am a sucker for love. A hopeless romantic. When I fall I fall hard and give it my all. Now, I have not always been that way. I was reserved and shelled up. I was afraid of getting hurt and afraid of the heartache and pain.
But then something happened to me that cut my time short and made me realize how precious our time on Earth was. How important it is to truly live life to the fullest. To love to the fullest. Because, we can't be sure when our time will be cut short, and if and when it is can we truly say that we have lived and loved all that we possibly could?
Everyone knows that Bible quote ' For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son...' is that not a testament to how great the power of love can be?
So go do it. Do something crazy. Go love without fear of getting hurt. To love is to live and to live to truly live is to love.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Change In Your Pocket

I could sit here and lecture you about change. However, I'm not going to do that. Everyone has heard the same old speeches; 'change is scary,' or ' when one door closes another opens,' and blah blah blah. I am also not going to try to convince you that all change is good. In fact, change can be very bad. ( I can't wait for the optimists to attack me for that one.)

Do you really want to know what change is? Change is change. It is a redundant but true statement. Change is a new direction or different path; a path that can lead anywhere. One of the most important things about change is that you are in control. A change occurs and you control its outcome. You have the power to decide whether or not that change will be negative or positive.

When life gives you lemons will you take the time and effort to gather a pitcher, some ice, sugar, juice them and make lemonade? Will you take the time and put in the work needed to turn sour lemons into delicious lemonade? Or, will you just sit around and complain, or wait for someone else to come by and make lemonade for you?

The choice is entirely your own. The work you put into it is entirely your own. Besides, accomplishing a difficult task on your own through hard work and perseverance makes the reward taste sweeter.




Literally.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

My Motivation

I have to because they said I couldn't. I have to because they screamed and yelled at me and shouted in my face that I couldn't do it. I have to because I need it. I have to because you need it. I cannot give up. I will not give up. I must push forward and fight and claw my way up. I will do whatever it takes without sacrificing my integrity. I have to do it because you believe in me. I have to do it because I believe in myself.

I will not fail because I work harder, faster and better than anyone else. I will not fail because I have the drive and determination to succeed. I have the skills I need and I have the know how to gain more in order to be successful.

I have to because you doubted me. You called me crazy. You said my ideas were outlandish and my dreams unobtainable.

I will prove you wrong and further prove myself right. I have to do this because he can't anymore. I have to do this because after all the times I should have died, I am still here. I have to do this for me. I can do this because whatever power is out there, whatever you believe in has given me the strength to do it. I will do this simply because I can. I have to...

Sunday, April 28, 2013

Baked Beans


Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”
She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!”
To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party...

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Finding Inspiration Through Sweat

I haven't posted anything in awhile and it feels good to be back. Sure I could blame it on being busy with other projects and working, but the fact of the matter is, I lost inspiration. Where did I lose it? It's hard to say where I lost it. Maybe it got caught in the monotony of the day to day routine. Wake up, shower, work, come home, eat, and do it all again the next day. I'm not quite sure what happened.

What's most important is that I seem to be finding it again. Admittedly I haven't been as active as I usually am. Moving to a new area and getting settled in has taken its toll on my body. Not to mention I just had an awesome birthday weekend in Las Vegas not too long ago. Its hard to bounce back from a Vegas weekend... Just ask Bradley Cooper, or Ed Helms.

Now, the sun is shining, spring is here and I have shaken the three foot long margarita drinks, beer, and smoke from my body and I am back on track. I bought new workout gear and a brand spanking new pair of running shoes and I am feeling good.

There are so many awesome places to sweat in where I live and I have met so many active people its hard NOT to workout. I believe that having a group of friends who are active and athletic is important in life. Not only does it promote a healthy lifestyle, but if you ever have one of those days where you just can't get off of the couch your friends or workout buddies are there to push you and encourage you.  Plus, its always fun to workout with friends!

So get out there and sweat. Do yoga, run, take a spin class or a bootcamp, or hike. Do something to get that blood flowing and that body moving. Trust me, your body will thank you and you will feel much healthier. Have a great workout!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Have a Great Day

All it takes is a smile, a nod, or a simple hello. The simplest of actions can brighten any person's day. Think of how many times you have had a bad day, or had been upset at something and it seemed to ruin your mood. You probably went through the whole day seconds from ripping someone's head off, or completely losing it. Now think about how you felt when the sales lady smiled at you, or when the barista greeted you with a friendly hello and a smile. Your mood probably changed drastically after that huh? Unbeknownst to you, the sales lady could have stepped in a hug pile of dog mess earlier that morning as she rushed to work. The barista might have gotten burned on some hot coffee from the early morning rush of commuters all anxious for their java fix. They still took the time to smile and greet you in a kind and friendly manner, despite whatever may have been going on with them.
Kindness and courtesy aren't only for people in customer service. They should be instilled and practiced by everyone. Whether you are the customer, or the employee, the stranger or a close friend, a little kindness goes a long way. So, get out there and spread the warmth, because who knows, you may be the difference between someone having a horrible day or a great one.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Your Dreams, or Theirs?

I moved to down to Southern California knowing exactly what I wanted to do. I wanted to write. I wanted to act. I wanted to inspire people and occasionally make them laugh. So I gathered my small life and without a solid plan made the long journey in pursuit of my dreams. Oh, I forgot to mention that I gave up a rather promising and bright future as a doctor.

I was on the fast track to becoming a (hopefully) world renowned trauma surgeon, but decided to put it on the back burner for something that has also been a childhood dream of mine. As it turns out, I've met a lot of people in LA ( believe it or not) who genuinely support me. I had a rare opportunity to meet a man by the name of Bobcat Goldthwait ( you can Google him if you like) at a live podcast show in Hollywood recently. Although he was speaking to a friend at the time, the advice he gave struck a nerve with me.

He said " You gotta quit at a few things in life to get what you want. You gotta quit and quit and quit until you wind up in a place that you never want to leave."

He was right. Making the decision to leave my comfortable secure life in Northern California was hard. Probably one of the toughest decisions I have had to make. Ever. However, I am glad that I did, for now I am in such a place in my life where I know things can and will only get better. And I don't ever want to leave.