I Am Not Smooth

Despite what you may think I am not as smooth as it would appear. Sure I can get on a stage and make a fool of myself telling jokes or acting like a seventeenth century Shakespearean baseball player [its an improv thing] but when it comes to talking to women, I am horrible. I can go from James Bond charming a room of writers and producers, and have them eating out of the palm of my hand, to Gold Bond, medicated cream. Yes, I am aware that reference makes no sense in the analogy, however it does draw an accurate depiction of my skills at conversing with the opposite sex. It's weird and gross leaves you sticky and Shaq endorses it...see what I mean? Lets start from the beginning, and you'll soon see what I am talking about.

THE OPENING: 
 Most people can agree that the best opening for meeting someone is " Hi my name is-" followed by a handshake or fist bump depending on what part of Los Angeles you are in. That part is fine. Where I have trouble is what follows.

THE INTERVIEW: 
" So what do you do?" is one of the most common questions in the dating world. This is where I lose people. When most people hear Comedian, I become a trained monkey, specifically there for the sole purpose of entertaining them and their friends. " Go ahead funny guy, tell me a joke!"
"Make me laugh!"
" Lets hear your set funny guy!"
" Stand on your head! Juggle! Dance monkey DANCE!" which is quickly followed by " Oh my God, you know who's funny? Kevin Hart." That's when its all over. Now for the rest of the night I'm telling  jokes about my checking and savings account and talking about the kids I don't have, and going on about my father's huge penis. The second option I could go with is actor. Their follow up: " So what restaurant do you work at?" Its a losing battle. So obviously my answer is: " What do I do? Oh, I'm a doctor." Win.

THE CONVERSATION: 
I once held a full on conversation with a brick for 3 days. I'm good here.

THE CLOSING: 
By now hopefully I have managed to make her laugh and smile and the night is turning out to be a great success. The bar is winding down and it is time to close. Keep in mind I'm not talking about sex. A close could be a future first date, a phone number, an e-mail, a glass slipper; anything really. When it comes to closing I am like Reggie Bush; figure skating. Awkward, slow, and wearing uncomfortably revealing tights. I once had a really good two hour long conversation with a woman at a bar and when it was done she said " Aren't you going to ask me my name?" I froze. She got up shook my hand, gave me a wink and walked away. I ordered another gin-and-tonic, went into the bathroom and wept. I never know what to say. Do I ask for an email? Do people still email? Do I ask for her number and then ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation in my van? Do I ask for her Facebook or Instagram account? What are the rules? My closing skills definitely need refinement. I am about as good at closing as