Grocery Shopping

       Okay, so you’ve come home looking for something to eat and it just so happens that you have nothing in your refrigerator or cupboards. You have not even a slice of bread or a carton of eggs to munch on. So you get in your car and drive into town to find a grocery store to buy food. As you draw nearer to town you come across a fantastic store. This store has everything you could ever want. This store has an excellent deli, and bakery and only gets its ingredients from local and organic farms and butcher shops. This store also has the best and widest selection of alcohol you have ever seen. This store is perfect. But, this store challenges you. It makes you feel small and every single time you have visited this store you have somehow always picked the stupid shopping cart. You know, the cart with the floppy wheel and the handles that have been broken off. It’s not you, it’s just that every time you get close to this perfect store you suddenly don’t know where you are and haven’t the slightest clue as to what you are doing. Not to mention this store is a few miles out of the way. However, whenever you are in town you always visit this store and even though you may not buy anything it’s always completely worth it to step foot inside its amazing doors. So you drive buy it maybe because you are scared that you can’t afford anything inside this store. Its prices seem high and you aren’t positive that you make enough money to buy anything from it.

         So you go to the local smaller grocery store. This store had bright and flashy lights and signs for amazing sales. You step foot into it and at first glance it seems amazing. It’s got everything on your list, and they are all on sale! So you start shopping, and boy does it feel great. Milk, eggs, butter this place has it all. But then you realize… the sale prices aren’t sale prices. They are actually more expensive than that of the other store. They have just been marked down from an extremely high price so that they look like sale prices. You’re not actually saving money at all, and to top it off the stores coupons are all expired! The store has been playing you since day one! Angrily you stomp out of the market and hop back in your car and drive from store to store searching desperately for a grocer that isn’t going to price gouge you or worse: charge for bags.  You try the wholesale store which has most of what you need but in insane quantities that quite honestly, you aren’t ready for yet. You head into mom and pop stores looking for the things you need, and although they may have a lot of one thing that you need they simply don’t have anything else and you can’t survive the month with an overabundance of one item on your list. You have even tried the convenience stores but they are just too small and have only enough to last you a week or so at max that you can’t justify shopping there long term. So you go home, defeated and slump down into you couch and order Chinese takeout. But, you can’t live on take out for too long.

        You need long term sustenance, and the only place that has everything you need is the market that is miles out of town. You get in your car and make the drive up. When you get there you find that the entrances are blocked by carts and signs and you can’t get in. Maybe the perfect store saw you try all those other markets and won’t let you in its doors because you have the smell of gas station convenience store on you, or the stench of GMO produce on your clothes. You try and you try but the Grocer just won’t let you in. You try to remind this grocer of all the things you have bought for them and how you even helped them replace some of their inventory when they were running low! Maybe it’s because you used to shop at their sister store instead of them a long time ago. But this was before you knew of this store. This store is amazing. It’s got everything you want and although it doesn’t price gouge you it doesn’t let you get away with using expired coupons.  There are only two things you can do in this situation: you can keep trying to convince this store that you have the money to shop there and no other store has what this store has and if you were to be allowed to shop here you would no longer have any need nor want to get your groceries at any other store. Or, you can walk away and drive to the next town three hundred miles away and try to find another store like this one. Even though you know that it is just about impossible.
   
        You have never seen a store like this one. This store is big, but not too big, it’s got up-to-date features and has everything you could ever want. This store keeps you in check with its fair prices and ample selection. You love this store and were stupid to try any other store. So what do you do? What do you do? You want to shop here. You need to shop here.

I need you. 

Writer's Blocked: Episode 3

“ I-I dunno if I’m comfortable doing that man.” Joe said fidgeting in his chair. Sweat stains were starting to form under his arms. “ Come on, you’ll be fine buddy! Its not that far of a drop and Craig will be out there with his truck so you’ll land safely in the bed. Noooothing to worry about.”
“Okay. But I better get some sort of achievement medal for this or something.”
“Again Joe, not a video-game.”
Grumbling to himself Joe starts to take off his shirt. “ We aren’t really going through with this plan are we?“  Alice says looking at me semi-worried “ Of course not. I just wanted to see if the idiot would actually do it!“ I whisper back. “You’re mean.“ She says. Alice jabs me in the side with her elbow and flashes me a disapproving but slightly amused look. “ Okay guys, lets go.” I say, and the group starts to make its way towards the elevator. “Hey Mike? We’re all going to The Blue Waffle! Meet us there man!” Yelled Vince. Vince was another writer and a close buddy of mine. He was a pop-culture genius. Vince knew everything about the world of comics, movies, music, the food network, the latest Beanie Babies( I didn’t even know they still made them.) and more; pretty much everything. He was also an amazing artist. We have all been trying to get him on the animation team but he never felt like his work was good enough. His cubicle was full of sketch books and all of the latest comic books. If anyone had missed going to Comic-Con that year all they needed to do was go over to Vince’s cubicle and they were caught up. “ Okay! Sweet! See you guys in a hot-flash!” Mike screamed from his desk. Everyone shook their heads as we piled into the elevator. We knew we weren’t going to The Blue Waffle like Vince had told Mike. We were going to the place where we always go on exceptionally stressful days like this: Chevys. Vince looks at me, raises his hand and offers a fist-bump as to say “ I got you man, no way was I going to let Mike Chandler cock-block you again.”  I return the fist bump and we both go back to staring straight ahead. The elevator jolts to a halt, and the doors glide open as we arrive on the ground floor. “AAAAHHHHHHHHHH” A loud scream comes from outside followed by a very loud CRASH! “ Crap!”  I think. “ I totally forgot to tell Joe the plan was just a joke! He’ll be fine; I hope.”
“What was that?” says Alice, worried again. “ Sounded like a bird hitting the window.” Vince replies quickly. “ Since when do birds scream?” Alice replies. “ Must be global warming, let’s go!” I chime in. Chevys is only a few blocks away which is convenient because no one has to drive back to work after slamming back tequila shots at happy hour.
    “ Hey guys! Your usual booth?” says the host as soon as we open the doors. “ You already know Jake!” Craig replies, obviously eager to get started with the drinks. As we file in to our booth near the back of the restaurant a shout comes from the entrance. “Thanks jerks!” Its Joe and he is covered in sweat and garbage. “What happened to you man?” Vince says trying to hold in his laughter. “Ew, you stink Joe.” Alice chimes in pinching her nose. “ Laugh it up guys, laugh it up. One day I’ll get all of you!” Joe proclaims tucking his plaid button up shirt back into his brown slacks. He plops down next to Craig and shouts to the waiter for a margarita and guacamole. At last the drinks and chips arrive and we all dive in. With a mouth full of guacamole and chips Joe practically yells, “ So Christian, when are you and Alice getting married?”
“What the hell Joe?” I glare at him and lasers shoot out from my eyes. His body glows bright red and his flesh starts to burn and in less than five seconds he is reduced to nothing but hot smelly ash. We all go back to eating and carrying on like nothing had even happened.   Ugh, I wish that actually happened.  Before I could reply to his ridiculous question another shout comes from the front of the restaurant. “ Bartender! A round of shots for that sexy table in the back! And a double for the extra sexy lady!” It was Mike. Everyone slumped down a little in their seats and froze. Hopefully, if Jurassic Park was accurate, if we didn’t move Mike couldn’t see us. No such luck, Mike made his way over to us with a huge sideways smile on his face.

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “She’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!”

She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!”

To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party...