Grocery Shopping

       Okay, so you’ve come home looking for something to eat and it just so happens that you have nothing in your refrigerator or cupboards. You have not even a slice of bread or a carton of eggs to munch on. So you get in your car and drive into town to find a grocery store to buy food. As you draw nearer to town you come across a fantastic store. This store has everything you could ever want. This store has an excellent deli, and bakery and only gets its ingredients from local and organic farms and butcher shops. This store also has the best and widest selection of alcohol you have ever seen. This store is perfect. But, this store challenges you. It makes you feel small and every single time you have visited this store you have somehow always picked the stupid shopping cart. You know, the cart with the floppy wheel and the handles that have been broken off. It’s not you, it’s just that every time you get close to this perfect store you suddenly don’t know where you are and haven’t the slightest clue as to what you are doing. Not to mention this store is a few miles out of the way. However, whenever you are in town you always visit this store and even though you may not buy anything it’s always completely worth it to step foot inside its amazing doors. So you drive buy it maybe because you are scared that you can’t afford anything inside this store. Its prices seem high and you aren’t positive that you make enough money to buy anything from it.

         So you go to the local smaller grocery store. This store had bright and flashy lights and signs for amazing sales. You step foot into it and at first glance it seems amazing. It’s got everything on your list, and they are all on sale! So you start shopping, and boy does it feel great. Milk, eggs, butter this place has it all. But then you realize… the sale prices aren’t sale prices. They are actually more expensive than that of the other store. They have just been marked down from an extremely high price so that they look like sale prices. You’re not actually saving money at all, and to top it off the stores coupons are all expired! The store has been playing you since day one! Angrily you stomp out of the market and hop back in your car and drive from store to store searching desperately for a grocer that isn’t going to price gouge you or worse: charge for bags.  You try the wholesale store which has most of what you need but in insane quantities that quite honestly, you aren’t ready for yet. You head into mom and pop stores looking for the things you need, and although they may have a lot of one thing that you need they simply don’t have anything else and you can’t survive the month with an overabundance of one item on your list. You have even tried the convenience stores but they are just too small and have only enough to last you a week or so at max that you can’t justify shopping there long term. So you go home, defeated and slump down into you couch and order Chinese takeout. But, you can’t live on take out for too long.

        You need long term sustenance, and the only place that has everything you need is the market that is miles out of town. You get in your car and make the drive up. When you get there you find that the entrances are blocked by carts and signs and you can’t get in. Maybe the perfect store saw you try all those other markets and won’t let you in its doors because you have the smell of gas station convenience store on you, or the stench of GMO produce on your clothes. You try and you try but the Grocer just won’t let you in. You try to remind this grocer of all the things you have bought for them and how you even helped them replace some of their inventory when they were running low! Maybe it’s because you used to shop at their sister store instead of them a long time ago. But this was before you knew of this store. This store is amazing. It’s got everything you want and although it doesn’t price gouge you it doesn’t let you get away with using expired coupons.  There are only two things you can do in this situation: you can keep trying to convince this store that you have the money to shop there and no other store has what this store has and if you were to be allowed to shop here you would no longer have any need nor want to get your groceries at any other store. Or, you can walk away and drive to the next town three hundred miles away and try to find another store like this one. Even though you know that it is just about impossible.
   
        You have never seen a store like this one. This store is big, but not too big, it’s got up-to-date features and has everything you could ever want. This store keeps you in check with its fair prices and ample selection. You love this store and were stupid to try any other store. So what do you do? What do you do? You want to shop here. You need to shop here.

I need you. 

Surviving the Airport

             Ahh to be at the airport during the holidays. Filled with the hustle and bustle of weary and anxious holiday travelers there is never a shortage of interesting things to see.  If you're catching an earlier flight you'll most likely witness people still dressed in pajamas. Yes, pajamas. Airplanes are nothing but an extension of our beds at home these days and what better outfit to wear on a long early morning flight than what you went to sleep in? There are business men and women running about the airport already late for meetings five hours away. They scuffle about in their two thousand dollar suits pressed and custom fitted, Bluetooth devices in their ears and multiple cell phones clipped to their waists resembling a superhero’s  utility belt.  They take up all of the many hundreds of charging ports for your portable devices located around the terminal, charging their entire office with them. This leaves you to forgo browsing the interwebs with your phone in order to save precious battery power. You pop your headphones in your ears and play the same playlist of songs on your phone because you've been too lazy and or busy to update your music during the rush of the holiday season. Let’s face it; between buying gifts for your huge extended family and the office, and trying to make it to the gym as often as you can to shed off that winter weight you've had no time for yourself.

                Mid-afternoon flights don’t get any better than early morning ones.They are even worse.The airport quickly becomes bursting with families and couples. Kids run amock through the terminal covering everything they touch in sticky-who-knows-what, and tween couples are sitting awkwardly on the floor making out. You’re trying to enjoy your thirty dollar turkey sandwich that you bought at an airport bookstore, but it grows more and more difficult when the five year old in front of you is turned around in his seat staring you down like a bull at a bullfight. The stale cold bread and old cheese is hard enough to scarf down without the added pressure of pleasing this kid. Finally they announce that they will begin boarding over the PA system. You stand up thinking that you’ll be among the first to board because you've managed to score boarding zone two on your ticket. However, you fail to realize that they have to board all of the Priority Members first. The Gold Star passengers, the First Class Flyers, the people in wheelchairs, the people with kids, the kids traveling alone, members of the Military (bless them for what they do) and the business class people. You look down at your watch and notice it’s already been forty-five minutes and they haven’t even gotten through the Premier Mileage Plus Extravaganza passengers yet, or the passengers wearing khaki pants! You plop down into your uncomfortable leather chair and take a sip of your seven dollar bottle of water as you eagerly wait to be called.

                If you’re like me, you’ll choose a late flight. Late flights are my preferred flights. I show up at the airport with no traffic problems. Say good bye to my ride and head straight to the check-in. There is little to no line and I am all checked in and through the security line in about ten minutes. From there I head straight to my favorite places in the airport; the bar. I love airport bars. Yes, the drinks are expensive but nothing calms the nerves of travel like a smooth bourbon on the rocks, or a nice lager. Some airports even have iPads at the bar so you can order your drink, pay and tip the bartender in one easy step. You don’t have to wait to get their attention, or flag them down like an airport ground controller. I get my drink, plug in my headphones and jam out to my new playlist that I had time to create peacefully relaxing in the big empty terminal. The airline calls out the boarding groups and being as how there are only forty of us it goes pretty fast. I reach my empty row of seats, stretch out sideways, cover myself with my blanket and prepare for a nice relaxing flight. That, ladies and gentleman is how to properly survive airports. 

Writer's Blocked: Episode 4

And just like that a perfect afternoon was ruined. Mike wormed his way into the booth right next to Alice. He put his arm around her and gave her a huge and very unnecessary squeeze. She looked annoyed and tried to shrug him off. “Didn’t you already eat lunch today Mike?” Craig said squirming in the booth trying to make more room. “I had a few bagels earlier yes.” Mike said a little embarrassed. “You had 6! You had 6 bagels right before we left!” Craig shouted, Mike was starting to pout, “That is absolutely NOT true-I only had 2.”

“We all saw you Mike. You were covered in cream cheese, and singing Lady Gaga with your mouth full of asiago crumbs!”

“Okay guys, If Mike wants to have another lunch let’s just let him, as long as he pays for everyone else too.” I said hoping to diffuse the tension between Craig and Mike, and also get a little something out of it. “You got it! Thanks Christian!” Mike said gleefully. He then proceeded to stuff a handful of chips into his mouth.  I tried not to gag. “So this is great news right?” said Joe. He was referring to our show getting picked up for the season. We had all been on edge since the premier because we weren’t sure if the Network’s idea to bring Phil Armstrong back to television was the right choice. Phil had been a legend in television almost 30 years ago. He was the golden boy of comedy, getting his start on the very famous very funny television show News Soup. News Soup was one of the longest running sitcoms to date, and after 15 very successful seasons it finally ended in 1994. “Hell yeah, I never thought that we would make it past the pilot. Especially considering how little work we actually do.”

“Whoa Vince, back it up. I happen to work really hard. I’m pretty much the backbone of this operation. “Craig retorted. “ What?” I have to say something. “No you aren’t! Craig, every time we need you we can’t find you!”

“That’s a lie! That’s because I happen to have very important things to do.”

“Everyone knows it's because you’re sleeping under your desk Craig.”

“I have a very temperamental cat! I don’t get a lot of sleep at night!” Craig cries.

“What? What does- how does that even make sense?”

Mike has signaled our waiter for another round of drinks. Alice decides to chime in. “ Vince is always reading his little comic books at his cubicle.”

“They aren’t comics they are graphic novels.” Vince corrects her. The shots come to the table and we each eagerly grab one and quickly slam it back. “I’m pretty sure they are comics.” Says Alice as she reaches for more chips. “Nerd!” yells Mike. He looks around the room confused as if no one at the table had an idea who yelled that.  Everyone stops eating. We all look at Mike. He looks back at us like a sad cow next in line to be slaughtered. Before the onslaught of insults can begin, Vince checks his watch and shouts “Crap! We gotta get back to the office!” Mike lets out a deep sigh of relief. He is spared for now. One by one we stumble out of the booth and make our way out of the restaurant. “See ya tomorrow guys!” Yells Jake, as we are leaving. We seriously have to find a new place to go…

I Am Not Smooth

Despite what you may think I am not as smooth as it would appear. Sure I can get on a stage and make a fool of myself telling jokes or acting like a seventeenth century Shakespearean baseball player [its an improv thing] but when it comes to talking to women, I am horrible. I can go from James Bond charming a room of writers and producers, and have them eating out of the palm of my hand, to Gold Bond, medicated cream. Yes, I am aware that reference makes no sense in the analogy, however it does draw an accurate depiction of my skills at conversing with the opposite sex. It's weird and gross leaves you sticky and Shaq endorses it...see what I mean? Lets start from the beginning, and you'll soon see what I am talking about.

THE OPENING: 
 Most people can agree that the best opening for meeting someone is " Hi my name is-" followed by a handshake or fist bump depending on what part of Los Angeles you are in. That part is fine. Where I have trouble is what follows.

THE INTERVIEW: 
" So what do you do?" is one of the most common questions in the dating world. This is where I lose people. When most people hear Comedian, I become a trained monkey, specifically there for the sole purpose of entertaining them and their friends. " Go ahead funny guy, tell me a joke!"
"Make me laugh!"
" Lets hear your set funny guy!"
" Stand on your head! Juggle! Dance monkey DANCE!" which is quickly followed by " Oh my God, you know who's funny? Kevin Hart." That's when its all over. Now for the rest of the night I'm telling  jokes about my checking and savings account and talking about the kids I don't have, and going on about my father's huge penis. The second option I could go with is actor. Their follow up: " So what restaurant do you work at?" Its a losing battle. So obviously my answer is: " What do I do? Oh, I'm a doctor." Win.

THE CONVERSATION: 
I once held a full on conversation with a brick for 3 days. I'm good here.

THE CLOSING: 
By now hopefully I have managed to make her laugh and smile and the night is turning out to be a great success. The bar is winding down and it is time to close. Keep in mind I'm not talking about sex. A close could be a future first date, a phone number, an e-mail, a glass slipper; anything really. When it comes to closing I am like Reggie Bush; figure skating. Awkward, slow, and wearing uncomfortably revealing tights. I once had a really good two hour long conversation with a woman at a bar and when it was done she said " Aren't you going to ask me my name?" I froze. She got up shook my hand, gave me a wink and walked away. I ordered another gin-and-tonic, went into the bathroom and wept. I never know what to say. Do I ask for an email? Do people still email? Do I ask for her number and then ask her if she'd like to continue the conversation in my van? Do I ask for her Facebook or Instagram account? What are the rules? My closing skills definitely need refinement. I am about as good at closing as